Perinatal mental health therapist Karen Kleiman has a phrase that I return to often: “Good moms have scary thoughts.” It’s the title of one of her books, and it might be one of the most important things ever written for new mothers.

Because the truth is: many new mothers have thoughts that terrify them. And almost none of them talk about it.

What Are Intrusive Thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary thoughts, images, or urges that pop into awareness and feel disturbing. They are often completely at odds with a person’s values, desires, and intentions. And in the postpartum period, they are remarkably common.

They might look like:

  • A sudden image of dropping the baby while walking down the stairs
  • A thought about the baby not breathing, even when they’re fine
  • An unwanted image of accidentally harming the baby during a bath or diaper change
  • A flash of something violent or disturbing, completely out of nowhere
  • Intrusive thoughts about your baby dying, being taken, being hurt

If you’ve experienced any of these, you may have kept them completely to yourself, certain that sharing them would result in judgment, horror, or your baby being removed from your care. You may have wondered if you are secretly a terrible person, or worse, a dangerous one.

You are not.

Why These Thoughts Happen

Research tells us that intrusive thoughts, including those involving harm, are extraordinarily common in new parents. Studies suggest that upwards of 90% of new mothers experience them in some form. And yet the silence around them is almost total.

Here is what we know about why they happen:

The postpartum brain is in hypervigilance mode. Your brain has just been assigned the most important protective task of your life: keep this tiny, helpless human safe. So it runs threat simulations. It generates worst-case scenarios. It’s doing its job, just doing it in an extremely uncomfortable way.

Intrusive thoughts are ego-dystonic. This is a clinical term that means the thought is contrary to who you are and what you want. The reason the thought horrifies you is because it goes against everything you feel. The horror you feel is actually evidence that you are safe, that you would never act on it.

They are more common in anxious people. If you have a history of anxiety, OCD tendencies, trauma, or you are simply someone who has always been conscientious and careful, intrusive thoughts are more likely to occur. They attach to what matters most to you, and nothing matters more than your baby.

The Crucial Difference: Intrusive Thoughts vs. Intent

Intrusive thoughts are not intentions. They are not wishes. They are not plans. They are the brain generating noise, frightening noise, that doesn’t reflect who you are or what you want.

The mother who wants to harm her baby does not feel distressed by the thought. She feels differently. The distress, the “no, no, no” response, is actually the signal that you are safe.

When to Reach Out

Please reach out to a mental health professional if:

  • Intrusive thoughts are happening frequently and causing significant distress
  • They are accompanied by postpartum anxiety or depression symptoms
  • They feel compulsive, if you feel driven to check or repeat behaviours because of them (this may be postpartum OCD, which is treatable)
  • They are interfering with your ability to care for yourself or your baby

You will not be judged. You will not have your baby taken away simply for sharing intrusive thoughts with a therapist or doctor who understands perinatal mental health. What you will receive is compassion, information, and support.

A Word on Shame

The silence around intrusive thoughts is maintained by shame. And shame, as Brené Brown reminds us, thrives in secrecy. The antidote to shame is speaking, to someone safe, someone who gets it, someone who will not flinch.

You are not a monster for having these thoughts. You are a mother, a loving, frightened, doing-your-best mother, whose brain is working overtime. That’s not something to be ashamed of. That’s something to be met with gentleness.

Good moms have scary thoughts. And good moms reach out for help when those thoughts are too heavy to carry alone.